Advice, Sept2016
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Bubble Trouble: Back 2 $kool feat. “virginity” (wut?) and Forgiveness

Okay, I’m going to really dissect your question here. First of all, “how” seems to indicate that you want an answer of a step by step process on “how to lose your virginity.” I cannot do this for you, as much as I would love to take over the entire Mark newspaper and write intricate details of how to… do the “jig” (if we’re going to continue to use words that are not “sex” #ew). If you’re looking for this answer, I would advise you to talk to your friends, watch some #feministporn, and get down on yourself before you get down on someone else.

You also said “how do I lose my virginity after a year in college,” which begs another question much larger and more challenging than just how to do it. It seems like there may be some discomfort and shame about not having had sex yet whilst going into your second year of university. My only advice to you is to listen to that shame and recognize that it comes from complicated system of fucked up bullshit that take your pain and discomfort and use it to benefit the patriarchy and capitalism. It is a myth that you need to “lose their virginity” before college. You are not abnormal, broken, or shameful.

Okay, the last part of your question that truly stumped me was that you said “lose my virginity.” This is #CONCERNING. If you lose your virginity you will not be able to find it again! Not to mention, you will not know what to look for as a “virginity” is a social construct!!!

 

Why can’t I forgive myself for being a mediocre, unthinking student?

#1 ADVICE: There are more important things in your life than academia. #A message from your 30 year old self.

I’ve also been asking myself a rather similar question as of late! Why am I up writing this advice column instead of doing my final project? Why did I stay up drinking wine till 2 am instead of desperately scribbling Kierkegaard quotes along the margins of my notebook? Why, in other words, am I so Gosh Darn Mediocre?!?

Every day in class, I sit white-knuckled, in a cold sweat, listening with spiteful, rapturous attention to all of the students who obviously worked way harder and are thus able to speak with so much complexity and depth to the point that everyone nods sheepishly along to everything they say!!!!! In the evenings I hear my friends speaking eloquently about topics I too should be able to speak eloquently about… but when I try… NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE COMES OUT!!!! Only gibberish! Not even English!!

So, it is A-okay to feel dumb sometimes. However, asking how you can Forgive yourself is very different. Forgiveness, from what I’ve heard, is a soft pillow-coloured meme that says that “there is no peace without Forgiveness.” TBH, many of us feel this way all the time and bottle it up and store it in our mini-fridge freezer where it goes to the back and starts leaking only to be found at the end of the year all frozen into the ice and we have to take a pick axe to get it out! Don’t wait that long. The only thing I can say is:

*Note the creator of this work of art forgave themselves for making the letters different sizes – you can forgive yourself too.

 

A link for submitting questions for next month’s Bubble Trouble column will be posted on Facebook early next block.

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