By Austyn Jasper and Katriona McColl
Today on this eighth day of September, of the year two thousand and seventeen, Gracie Hovem is thinking that her gluten-full flour dough looks beautiful, and her gluten-free flour dough looks very sad. She just wants to give an equal experience to both gluten free and gluten people, but can’t! Can people be truly happy if they don’t have equal pizza dough experiences? Meanwhile, Sarah Charlotte is thinking about the pizza (whether gluten full or gluten free is unclear) that she is going to be having very soon. Sarah Chudleigh is thinking about the pain her roommates inflict upon her. Tierney Hula is contemplating the possible forms of running the world that aren’t necessarily democracy or monarchy, or any of the institutions that we have. At the same time, Anne Chase is also thinking about pizza, while Fiona Harris really wants a popsicle. Austyn Jasper is incredibly excited to go to her first stop motion animation class tonight. Aria Ciccia is wondering if dropping a bell from her balcony would kill anyone below. Walker Reynolds is contemplating how to win a game of luck, but Morgan Hillis can’t tell us what’s on her mind because she’s saving it for two truths and a lie (stay tuned). Meanwhile, Emily Weber is thinking about Feminism, in a deep way. Michael Olson is listening to Logic’s The Incredible True Story album, and it’s really fucking good. If you want to listen to more good music, take Amelia Schmidt’s advice and go check out qcsr.ca for fresh new music every week. Oliver Rothenberg wonders if the lady who pickpocketed him this summer at a music festival was excited to see Frank Ocean the next night. This summer Luke Urso had a dead person, i.e. the ashes of a dead person, thrown in his face and his clothes while he was at work (and as such became Peggy’s final resting place). Lucie Barnett got stuck in a forest with a Transylvanian guy on an island. He did not suck her blood, though it was discussed. Sophie Goslinga was concussed—again—by drunkenly biking into a lamppost, and was informed that her kidney may have been sprained (editor’s note: who knew this was possible?). Zanna Kortenhof was swimming in the pool at her summer camp when a piece of shit floated to the top that someone had stepped on. The lifeguard was called under a “Code Brown”. Kris Loose did a lot of things that “he wasn’t supposed to do” this summer. Chloe Lee Rowlands unintentionally stole someone’s identity, breached national security, and crossed the border into the United States. Pato Gonzalez Marquez found a euro… in Canada. Meanwhile, Landon Belanger asks us if we really think this article is going to make people read the Mark? (Be sure to submit your responses).