Satire, Summer2017
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Where is I-Chant?

Legend has it that when a position is removed from administration, the individual in said position must complete three impossible tasks in order to return to faculty.

The impossible tasks are traditionally assigned by an individual in a superior administrative position, but as the only superior position was vacated almost simultaneously, they were assigned by tutor Megan Bulloch. “If the taskmaster position cannot be filled by a superior, it is customary to summon a tutor on sabbatical to fulfill the role. We plan on doing this to fill the vacant position of president as well,” said CAO James Byrne in an interview a few hours after the removal of the president and vice president.

I-Chant’s Tasks:

  1. Retrieve the golden Patagonia puffy jacket. According to local myth, Quest’s founding president, David Strangway, hand-wove the jacket while summiting Torre Egger in Southern Patagonia Ice Field in South America. It was originally intended to be used by the first Quest student to convince a graduate school of the legitimacy of their degree, but in an unfortunate turn of events, it was stolen by Günther, the strongest Kermode bear in all the land. This task was made significantly easier by the clear-cutting that took place three years ago as Günther no longer has anywhere to hide.
  2. Determine where the leftover beer from last year’s Dancing Bear went. Rumour has it over $6000 worth of Whistler Brewing Company beer is stowed on campus due to low sales at the event last year. The location is also said to be guarded 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, by Kathy Bennett. To access the beer you must first answer her riddle, “How many transfer credits can a student get for 3 years of previous undergraduate studies?”. The answer changes every time, so no one has gotten it right to date.
  3. Get a student representative on the Quest board of governors.

Sources report I-Chant has completed the first and second tasks, but is having an incredibly difficult time completing the third, and final, task. Until she completes the final task, which is rumoured to be ten times more impossible than the first two tasks, she is not allowed to return to Quest faculty.

Good luck, I-Chant!

This entry was posted in: Satire, Summer2017

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Valerie Fowles

In addition to working with the Mark this year, Val is an employee of the SRC as the communications officer and a co-organizer of the Our_Futures academic colloquia. If you talk to her in person beware her horrible puns and her strong opinions on corn.

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