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Imposters Among Us

The hand-crocheted-hat-toting, patch-embroidered-corduroy-sporting, cup-of-warm-herbal-tea-sipping (yerba is a faux pas) Quest student is no stranger on campus. Among us lie peers whose fondness for all things vintage, cozy, and crafty seems suspiciously ingrained, not just some new-age hipster trend. You avoid the gummy goodnight kiss from your roommate reminiscent of a denture-less granny, yet in the morning they pull on their nipple-high pants and shoot you two finger guns as they leave the room for class. Befuddling, I agree. Below are some go-to warning signs to determine if your friends are secretly elderly.

Bakes Bread
(Maeve Benz)

“No one should have to pay for bread,” Maeve Benz can often be heard saying, along with other musings about starters. Like a sourdough fairy, Maeve often leaves slices of her ambrosial gifts in friends’ rooms before they wake up so they can rise to the sweet wafting scent of fresh-baked bread. Refusing to bow to “the man”, Maeve plans to continue sharing her not-for-profit sourdough among the Quest community. This excessive gluten generosity is a clear marker of the ripe old aged.

Sports Clogs
(Gracie Hovem and Henry Heintzman)

According to Vogue, Danskos are “fashion’s newest ugly-chic shoe obsession.” This clunky, yet  supportive, footwear is taking the world by storm, especially among the pseudo-elderly. “I found these at the Reuse-it Center and knew it was meant to be. There’s nothing I love more than practical, high-quality, and (basically) free. Yes, they’re a little too big for me, and yes, they are a little hideous, but ugly is in fashion right now, right?” – Gracie Hovem

Owns a lot of Pans
(Josie Bauman)

Open her kitchen cabinet doors and you will find a prolific pan panoply.  Full of cast iron, non-stick, cupcake tins (of the regular and mini variety), cake pans, baking sheets, and electrically powered self-heating pans, what else could go on here but the crafting of delicious homemade meals? A hub for lost students who are frazzled by proper brownie baking etiquette, Josie loves to share her prized tools with the pan-less.

Knits excessively
(Matilda Guille)

Anyone with two needles in their hands is a suspect, but Matilda Guille is unapologetically a zealot of funky yarn. From garter stitching to purling, such hardcore crafting cannot be explained any other way besides elderly status.

Miscellaneous Elderly Habits
General warnings:
Says “Ready Freddy”
Favorite brand: LL Bean
Speaks in idioms
Eats solely hard candy
Hanes supporter

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