Jan2018, Opinion&Letters, Satire
Leave a Comment

Top 10 Strategies to Impersonate a “Normal” University Student

Our glorious university provides us with many privileges and countless possibilities compared to the students from their ‘basic’ universities. Yet when one descends from their mountain tops to the commoners, one can find oneself in a pickle: how to impersonate a “normal” university student. Due to our revolutionary thinking and teachings, we have transcended common understanding. To avoid potential suspicion, we provide you with some essential advice on how to pretend to be a completely normal university student and keep our university environment safe from the unworthy.

  1. Do not forget to blink

We are trained to absorb information from all of our senses, and beyond. Hours of night training in the art of staring at dank memes can impede our blinking ability. We understand that closing our eyes for a fraction of a second could cause us to miss valuable information, as any information deserves to be accepted equally amongst all our senses, but commoners do not understand that. They do not think that auditory and olfactory information are as important as visual information, hence we must descend to their level.

  1. Select a degree that you want people to believe you are doing

Many may not have the full capacity to grasp what  ‘block plan’ or ‘question’ means. It is hard  for them to understand that you design your own degree, so you must make one up and go with it if you are to assimilate. Here are some suggestion of possible degrees, if you have a hard time thinking of one on the spot: psychology, computer science, astrophysics, international spa management, Viking studies or cannabis cultivation. Anything will do if you can give a smartass sounding sentence or two about any of these degrees.

  1. Accept any food given for free

There is a saying amongst ordinary students: “free food is the best food”. This is because they were never granted the gift of Dana’s Hospitality, where we have all the food in the world (unless you are vegan, have food restrictions, want a balanced diet or want babushka’s premium borscht). This saying suggests that we ought to eat whatever is given to us without hesitation and with the utmost appreciation. If you are caught in a situation where questionable food is being given for free, politely excuse yourself and claim that you are full. This should save you from being suspicious.

  1. Complain about the prices and money

While money is of no true value to us, as our feelings, sanity, and exceptional thinking are more important, many common students only want money. While we may not understand their desperation, we must play along to be ‘normal’. Saying phrases such as “I’m pursuing an executive career so I can afford 6 beach houses” and “money is lyfe” are typical amongst average students.

  1. Rely on TV and Internet for your sources

While dirty tricks played by media sources such as CNN, BBC, Buzzfeed, Daily Mail, The Sun and Cosmopolitan attempt to fool us into believing that Kylie Jenner is pregnant, we know the truth. By using our superior “critical thinking skills” we can deduce that she is not. However, many commoners do not possess such skills, so we must learn their ways and pretend to believe the news. Gather a lot of unreliable resources and then come up with the best strategy on how to accept information without double checking it. Common students do not bother with such things, for they are too concentrated on money and avocado toast to think. So shall we.

  1. Always carry a textbook with you

According to our investigation, there are certain periods of time during the year when an average student “hits the books” and prepares for the ritual commonly known as “exams”. While we do not understand what it is, we must be ready at any time to be questioned about it. Our anthropologists observed that students sit and read a textbook, occasionally copying information and looking at dank memes for academic research. Therefore the optimal strategy is to pretend to prepare for the ritual of “exam” and read a textbook until the suspicion is gone. If questioning persists, tell them phrases such as “these are my final midterm exams”– this usually erases all the skepticism towards you.

Our investigation upon the full ritual of “exam” preparation will be soon released. Our best advice is to keep yourself alert and avoid libraries.

  1. Tire yourself out

Another feature of a typical student is to always be tired, regardless of the situation. Due to their poor life choices, regrets, and search for instant gratification they have plenty of free time to complain about being tired. Everyone is used to complaining about being tired.

While Quest students maintain their physical and mental health always, we must succumb to their ways to truly understand and get rid of any cynicism from commoners. Hence a day before heading downhill, we recommend you stop your balanced diet, do drugs and read the sexual misconduct policy, then head out into the woods, rebuild the ninja-fort and provide a clear map to it. After this series of easy tasks, you must hike up to the Chief, balance on the rock, take your pants or bra off to take a photograph on top of the mountain, climb down and clean all the garages, then put your pants or bra back on. Once these tasks are done you might feel different. Do not be afraid, this is what tiredness supposedly feels like. This is when you are ready to go downhill and assimilate with all the other ‘tired’ students.

  1. Consume and Do Shady Shit

One of the values our enlightened students share with the normal ones is the need for experience. While for us experience is all about learning, appreciating others and contributing to the community, for the common student this often takes the form of consuming or doing something really stupid. So shall we! Take precautions, as this might be hazardous to you and not everyone can do this. There is no shame in turning back and staying in the ‘safe’ (bears are safe, ok?) environment of our university. If you are the brave one, then we salute you with slam poems and ukuleles! You will also have my personal admiration: I will not write about this one, for it is too lewd for me.

  1.  Become Dirty

No, this not an innuendo.

Normal students do not appreciate hygiene as we do. Their excuses follow the pattern of either not having enough time or they “forgot to”. How disgusting! But if we are to be like them, we must go down to their level. Shower ONLY once a week, preferably on weekends. Wear the same clothes for several days in a row to gain a special scent of pheromones to attract other tired common students to you. Do not wash these clothes in any circumstances, as the bacteria has the ability to die and that makes clothes clean again. When you will look like you are barely holding your life together then you are doing everything correctly.

  1.  Pretend not to know what you will be doing after graduation!

Perhaps the greatest irony found in the ordinary university students is their inability to contemplate what they will be doing in life after graduating. Their entire university experience was planned around their boring degrees, yet they do not know what to do.

On the other hand, we design our own lives and studies, which is perfect for living your life to the fullest. However, we must not stand out from these students. So, if you wanted to become an entrepreneur, lawyer or chemist you shall forget about it. As you are surrounded by the simple-minded, they will not only mistrust you but you might get them stressed out as they shrink in the presence of your excellence.

Leave a Reply