All posts filed under: Satire

Helping Questies Get Lucky

How is someone like you still single? To be honest, I’m just as shocked as you are. It’s probably to be blamed on the lack of chivalry these days. When was the last time you were asked on a date? I know you can’t remember because it’s most likely never happened. Below you’ll find oh-so so perfectly crafted pick-up lines for your partner of choice, curated specifically for Quest.   You Kant deny that it’s categorically imperative that we go out. Like a job after Quest, you are unattainable. You are out of this curriculum! Controvers-tea and chill? How big is your (Charles) Dickens? Just like this campus bubble, I’ll never leave you. I think you’re attractive within and without socially constructed standards of aesthetic beauty <3 Will you be my Blundstones and let me slip right in? What is life …Without you? You and I fit perfectly together, just like me and my three-year-old Birkenstocks   ***Be aware that without the right amount of enthusiasm and gusto these pick-up lines may come off as …

Top 10 Strategies to Impersonate a “Normal” University Student

Our glorious university provides us with many privileges and countless possibilities compared to the students from their ‘basic’ universities. Yet when one descends from their mountain tops to the commoners, one can find oneself in a pickle: how to impersonate a “normal” university student. Due to our revolutionary thinking and teachings, we have transcended common understanding. To avoid potential suspicion, we provide you with some essential advice on how to pretend to be a completely normal university student and keep our university environment safe from the unworthy. Do not forget to blink We are trained to absorb information from all of our senses, and beyond. Hours of night training in the art of staring at dank memes can impede our blinking ability. We understand that closing our eyes for a fraction of a second could cause us to miss valuable information, as any information deserves to be accepted equally amongst all our senses, but commoners do not understand that. They do not think that auditory and olfactory information are as important as visual information, hence …